“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
How to wake up a Beagle
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.