Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work