I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Fiction has to make sense.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe