I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You Might Also Like
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired