I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
B
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Print is alive and well!!!
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”