I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?