@sliver_of

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

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@CarouselMouse

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

@Sanbel11

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

@ThisOneSayz

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

@BeijingPalmer

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

@PatsATweetin

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

@juliussharpe

People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.

@Marcmywords2

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

@unibrowbeater

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

@dblackattack

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

@sofarrsogud

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.