I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”