I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

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ok boss, i duck taped the hostage’s mouth shut
“you mean duct taped, right?”
*cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*


Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?

Me: my coworkers were just the worse

I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad

Me: that is correct


Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.


We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.


20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!


Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.


Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.


I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.