I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
You Might Also Like
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*