ok boss, i duck taped the hostage’s mouth shut
“you mean duct taped, right?”
*cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
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Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?
Me: my coworkers were just the worse
I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad
Me: that is correct
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
ME EVERY WEEK OF SCHOOL
Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.
Me: Do you walk with a limp?
Me: Want to?
Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.