I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
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[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield