After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Planet of the Apps.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby