I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand


My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.


I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.


The person that was in charge of naming Ohio must have thought of it when they realized someone was waving at the person behind them.


I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.


A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.


6: I’m going outside to play.
Me: Stay in your own yard.
6: Define “my own yard”
Me: …. have fun.

So her mother’s child.


I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!


me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper


An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.