@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

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@scottgal

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

@SteveKoehler22

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

@supermarkusa

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

@tnylgn

The person that was in charge of naming Ohio must have thought of it when they realized someone was waving at the person behind them.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

@WheelTod

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

@OnBeingHer

6: I’m going outside to play.
Me: Stay in your own yard.
6: Define “my own yard”
Me: …. have fun.

So her mother’s child.

@Cheeseboy22

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

@gf3

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.