“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?