i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

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Dogs that belong to homeless people must think “just say you’re sorry dude and we can sleep inside tonight”


Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”


[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?



Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly


Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.


[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet