i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.