Dogs that belong to homeless people must think “just say you’re sorry dude and we can sleep inside tonight”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[naming our daughter]
wife: i love the name anna
me: i love soft french cheeses.
6. MY FAVOURITE TEXT POST OF ALL TIME PROBABLY
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house