“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
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School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*