@Contwixt

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

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@girlontapas

I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Now what’s the rule, son?

11yo: *sighs* If his first album came out after 2000, I can’t call him a rapper.

Me: You’re learning…

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@LizHackett

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

@Skullcat

When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!