“I can’t feel my legs”


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I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?


Me: Now what’s the rule, son?

11yo: *sighs* If his first album came out after 2000, I can’t call him a rapper.

Me: You’re learning…


You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying


I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.


Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.


Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.


When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.


I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!