I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
You Might Also Like
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together