Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
yea so i messed up lol
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers