I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.