I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
m’lady
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Ain’t no way
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!