He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
2. Stop calling me that.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy