@XplodingUnicorn

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

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@MrsGagaGarcia

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

@SondraDeeMe

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

@CourtRundell

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

@Book_Krazy

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

@DrCephalopod

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

@HomeProbably

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

@iwearaonesie

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

@heyitsJudeD

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy