I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff