I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

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[Before Marriage]

ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.

HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.

[After Marriage]



Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?


Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.


Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…


If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.


Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral


Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.


[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.


“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”




“Get out!”




*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*