@CorkyKneivel

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

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@JustDontBugMe

[Before Marriage]

ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.

HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.

[After Marriage]

HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!

@TheAlexP

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

@robdelaney

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

@MiddleageM

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

@bornmiserable

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

@infinitesimull

Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.

@ClichedOut

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

@DirtMcTurd

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

@jctwritesstuff

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*