I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
three things we don’t talk about
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
same bro
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
man i love columbo
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.