I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
peeping toms
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Google Pay be like:
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s