@Awk0Tacoo

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

You Might Also Like

@CakeThrottle

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

@karanbirtinna

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

@AminaMarx

update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared

@GoodZiIIa

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

@abbycohenwl

Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@HansGrubertron

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

@newLettuce

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

@SaltyCorpse

My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.