I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
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[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
A bold strategy
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Brother?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that