In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I hate when I try to shut my phone off and take 13 screenshots instead.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?