I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

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In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s


I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.


All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.


20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed


Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.


Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.


Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.


[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists


Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.


Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?