“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I missed you with all my darts
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine