“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

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I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.


Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped.
Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it
Scientest: So u can..
Me: Track my bowl movements, yes


When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.


The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.


*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention


It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.


Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.


“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.

A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.


[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it


David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.