@MNateShyamalan

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

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@iGreenMonk

I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something

I forgot that I’m so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes

@karanbirtinna

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

@envydatropic

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

@wildethingy

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

@sageboggs

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

@CornOnTheGoblin

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

@Fred_Delicious

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

@iwearaonesie

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out