I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
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*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Every damn time
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.