I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

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In Canada, we don’t count by Mississippi’s, we count by Saskatchewan’s.


A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.


Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.


My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.


Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?


I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise


The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.


Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really


The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”