I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣