I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
RT if you could go either way.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?