Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I wanna be friends with this person
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My first son he is wonderful
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Perfect
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.