– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
– Do you want some?
I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
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the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.
Give me a massage
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much