@theshamingofjay

I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

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@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

@Kristen_Arnett

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

@HeroineAddict

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

@KelseyCook

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.

@SatansTongue

Give me a massage
“Mm okay”
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”

@ElgatoEsmio

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

@DrakeGatsby

Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.

@sarcasticmommy4

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

@SatansTongue

6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much