I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!