@momtransparent1

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

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@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

@lenadunham

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

@mchooyah

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

@ericsshadow

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

@MaybePileJokes

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

@mom_ontherocks

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

@Mytwoscentz

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

@cheers27402373

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

@xLiserx

I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.