@momtransparent1

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

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@drinksmcgee

Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
Her: Fine.

*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*

Me: Sweeeeeet

@1Bad_Scientist

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

@rickolantern

My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn.

Worst. Childproofer. Ever.

@welfarehoe

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

@donni

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

@markleggett

How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.

@whatmaddness

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.