“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
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Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
This took me a second..
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep