“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?


Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?


Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.


6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open


*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?


My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.


I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum


“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.


There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.


I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.