“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.


“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.


Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.


Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..


Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.


Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age


6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.


I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.


Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.