@Bern_Morley
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
@momtransparent1
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
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@Bern_Morley
@drinksmcgee
Me: C’mon, baby. Send me a pic.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Baby, please. I need it.
Her: Fine.*Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck*
Me: Sweeeeeet
@1Bad_Scientist
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
@rickolantern
My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn.
Worst. Childproofer. Ever.
@mjkspeaks
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
@welfarehoe
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
@donni
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
@markleggett
How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.
@whatmaddness
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
@OhNoSheTwitnt
If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.