I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!


Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.


Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.


Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts


I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon


Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.


MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit


Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.


[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.