Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I beg your pardon?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Its a hippotatomus