@brakco

I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..

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@Coastiefish

I don’t know the lyrics to any of Pitbull’s songs, but in my defense, I’m not really convinced he does either.

@Reverend_Scott

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

@Mostly_Cheese

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

@Sorrowscopes

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

@tsm560

Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No

@Douchekevin

Divorce.

When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.

@squirrel74wkgn

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.