I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
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sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.