Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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I’d rather fork than spoon.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.