@jordan_stratton

I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”

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@envydatropic

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@omgthatspunny

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

@jnapsalot

Came home to my husband watching ID Channel, dinner cooked and an empty sink.

I have never feared for my life and been simultaneously turned on than I am in this moment.

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

@theSolemnBard

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?

VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure

@ericsshadow

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea