@sween

I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.

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@JimmerThatisAll

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

@isabelzawtun

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

@TEXASVETERAN

Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.

@QwertyJones3

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

@Man_Ona_Ledge

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

@fro_vo

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

@DougBenson

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

@nutsaremixed

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper