He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend