I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
This is my pinned tweet
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*