i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My husband told me all he really wanted for our anniversary was for things around the house to be straightened up.
His invisalign arrives next week.
Decks. Because I like to be outdoors, but not like all on the ground and shit.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*During traffic stop
Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”
Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”
C: “Yes, him!”
M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”
C: *Stun guns me*