I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
You Might Also Like
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Candles never taste the way they smell
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.