@jwoodham

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

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@wolfpupy

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

@okimstillhungry

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

@Divergentmama

My husband told me all he really wanted for our anniversary was for things around the house to be straightened up.

His invisalign arrives next week.

@whtedaisy

Decks. Because I like to be outdoors, but not like all on the ground and shit.

@YourMomsucksTho

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

@brianbowman73

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

@SimplySnaccbar

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

@BrianIncognito

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

@atrout920

*During traffic stop

Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”

Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”

C: “Yes, him!”

M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”

C: *Stun guns me*