I can’t pet a cat without plotting world domination.

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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”


I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though


“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”


I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.


Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*


“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist


I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.


oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog