My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem