@01CandyQueen

I can’t pet a cat without plotting world domination.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

@meganamram

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

@WilliamAder

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

@JohnLyonTweets

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

@rzarosco

“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist

@RayInCincinnati

I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.

@sad_tree

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog