I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

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When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.


ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?


My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.


[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on


If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m


SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*


Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.


[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down


Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.


Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.