When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My boyfriend: *leaves the room*
The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.
Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?
FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage
Me: that’s rough janet.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.