@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

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@BoomBoomBetty

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@PimpBillClinton

The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).

@Cheeseboy22

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

@Karate_Horse

Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

@Darlainky

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@TheOnion

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened