I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.