I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

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I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.


*Crime Scene

Cop: (cuffs the dog)

Detective: what the hell are you doing?

Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter


Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film


Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka


“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.


-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
-And this w/ saber teeth?
-And this beaverduck?
-wtf dude


I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.


I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.


[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*