I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
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Cop: (cuffs the dog)
Detective: what the hell are you doing?
Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Our super’s response to a text about mice in the apartment, amazing
-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
-And this w/ saber teeth?
-And this beaverduck?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”
So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*