@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

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@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@PoliUncorrect

*Crime Scene

Cop: (cuffs the dog)

Detective: what the hell are you doing?

Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter

@TheIntComShow

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

@mattZillaaaa

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@ibid78

-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
“Bigfoot”
-And this w/ saber teeth?
“Sabertooth”
-And this beaverduck?
“Platypus”
-wtf dude

@theshantilly

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

@ruthakers

I hate when my kids say “But mom; it was an accident!”

So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.

@Darlainky

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*