I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]



“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”


My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.


The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).


Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.


Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok


My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.


“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.


Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.


Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened