I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
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“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories