I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Dolls on drugs
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty