I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.


Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*


I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?


Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]


Not one parenting book or website prepared me for how many times I would accidentally bump my baby’s head on a door frame.


“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you


“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…


Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter


M: Nah he can’t read


Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line