Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty
Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box
Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Not one parenting book or website prepared me for how many times I would accidentally bump my baby’s head on a door frame.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line