I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I think about this a lot
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs