I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
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Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Always
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.