@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

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@voldemortsbicep

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

@stevevsninjas

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

@Illuminati_Stop

BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.

@PajamaStew

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

@Henry_3k

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@Dorkstress

Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?

Me: Just some water.

Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…

Me: Jesus did it again!!

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

@BillPelicanBros

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.