I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I have a new favorite meme page
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
THE AUDACITY. 😤
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.