How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?
Me: Just some water.
Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…
Me: Jesus did it again!!
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.