I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.