I can’t RSVP until I know the wifi situation at your event.
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“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space*
Earth: “Delete it.”
According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk
My mum has a PhD on Corona Virus from WhatsApp University
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.