@amandajpanda

I can’t RSVP until I know the wifi situation at your event.

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@iwearaonesie

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

@JasonLastname

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

@_mascaragirl

*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space*

Earth: “Delete it.”

@kashmir_lover1

According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk

@geowizzacist

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.