Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*