I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
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I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Rather alarming headline…
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]