@AskAuntieEm1

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

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@NewDadNotes

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

@isabelzawtun

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

@MooseAllain

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

@HatfieldAnne

Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.

@RandomManik

-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?

“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”

-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?

@UnFitz

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

@El_nacho_Nigre

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

@sliver_of

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

@TheOnion

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub