I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
#TopTip
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.