I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

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[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.


Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.


In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned


“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”


Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.


-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?

“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”

-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?


“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet


Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”


When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.


Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub